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If Donald Trump Was a Teenager and I Was His Dad

Hey Son,

Your principal called me today and I think we need to talk. No, no, it’s nothing you did, not really. Just things you’ve said…and then things you didn’t say. You’re the high school student body president, buddy! People look up to you, they expect more from you now.

When you were running it all seemed like a bit of a gas. I love you, son. You have a lot of great qualities. Some of the GREATEST qualities! But you’re not exactly graduating at the top of your class. When you told me you were running, I was supportive, but honestly thought it was mostly a joke. I have to admit, I even thought it was pretty funny for a while! You said some crazy stuff, Donny! Mostly, you latched onto and spread wild rumors and easily disprovable stories about the administration, belittled your opponents, and then truly found your niche by making fun of the “nerds, dorks and losers” at your school. (It’s probably a good thing your high school doesn’t have many minority or lower income students; I can’t even imagine what you would have said about them! I really ought to introduce you to some people who don’t belong to our country club…I’ll get around to it one of these days, I’m sure.)

Yesterday, a group of jocks–some of your most ardent supporters–led a protest that they knew would turn violent, that they wanted to turn violent. I know, I know, you are no jock, Don. I never said you were. No one ever said you were. Literally no one ever said Donald J. Trump is a jock. Ever. But if it weren’t for the “jocks,” you would never have become the student body president. Literally. Never.

During your campaign, you spoke their language, spoke to their fear that, for the first time in their lives, they might not be on the top of the social food chain. Sure, they’re still the most popular kids at school, but now nerdy things, like comic books, are cool. Jocks and jock supporters felt their world slipping away and you tapped into that anxiety. Some of the stuff you said was over the line, but we all knew you didn’t REALLY mean it. You’ve got nothing against comics. Heck, some people in your own family are comic book lovers!

So…yesterday’s events. We all know about the high school’s football team, who dropped out of school to form their own independent team. It was well before my time, let alone yours. It was during a time when jocks were at their most overtly powerful. They literally owned the nerds. Literally. Owned. Them. When the nerds were given a modicum of self-determination, the jocks declared war. Of course, they lost. WHAT A BUNCH OF LOSERS! Sorry. I mean, sure, they lost and they should get over it, but that’s really beside the point. Well, their cause was pretty much forgotten until years later when the nerds began getting more rights in the school. Nothing was taken away from the jocks, mind you, but still they felt their status slipping. And they glommed onto the symbols of their ancestor’s lost war. Statues were even erected to these losers and traitors to their school, if you can believe it! Silly, I know. Well, finally, these commemorations of jockdom and revisionist history were being destroyed or at least moved to more appropriate locations. Once again the jocks felt threatened and they protested. And they brought bats even though baseball season is long over.

Needless to say, the jocks did what jocks do. Things got violent.

And the high school waited.

They waited for your response. They waited for you to bring them together as one school against a common, easily identifiable, enemy. You’re always so quick to respond when something ticks you off! Your words cut like a knife when you want them to.

But there wasn’t a response.

And then you responded by blaming everyone, dulling your knife and spreading the fault like butter, essentially letting the jocks off the hook. They laughed and slapped each other’s asses, knowing you still had their backs.

It was an opportunity to bring the school together, even for a short period of time. It was an opportunity to let the nerds, dorks and losers know that even if they didn’t vote for you, you’re still their student body president. You represent the entire school, Don. I think you forget that sometimes. Or maybe you don’t care.

After all, the nerds will never vote for you. The dorks will never rally for you. And the losers will never support your initiatives. At least that’s what you keep telling yourself, little buddy.

Maybe you’re more concerned with possibly losing the support of your loudest cheering section. If that’s the case, you’ll always be campaigning to be student body president. You’ll never actually lead the student body. But you’re already there. You’re already the president of the high school! Stop campaigning and start leading. Remember, I’m your father, so I have to believe you have it in you, despite every piece of evidence to the contrary. Or you can keep appealing to your base and their basest instincts. Please don’t. That would make your mother and I very SAD!


Published inParenting & HumorPolitics Sex & Religion

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