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The Reason I Didn’t Wish My Wife a Happy Anniversary on Facebook

The real reason I didn’t wish my wife a happy anniversary on Facebook is simple, BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID IT IN PERSON!!!

My wife and I are not in a long-distance relationship. I see her every day when I wake up, when I go to bed and, almost always, in between. On the weekends, our IRL interactions are practically non-stop. It’s almost like we live together. Oh right, we do. She is not a “Facebook friend” who I sort of recognize from middle-school and reluctantly accepted a request from. She is the woman with whom I decided to spend my life and to have children with. Yet, I felt like I should say something via social media. It’s just what is done these days.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, did it make a sound?

If an event takes place in real life and you don’t post the pictures to Facebook, did it really happen?

I decided not to post pictures or even mention it. (I know, I’m mentioning it now. I’m saying something about not saying anything. Screw you. It ain’t romantic, so it don’t count. Besides, I have a blog, I have to write SOMETHING.)

Writing a message on her wall felt contrived, like a mini-performance piece. It wouldn’t be for her, but for our friends, family and loose acquaintances. I could have gone mushy (I’ve done it before), threw in an inside joke or two and ended with an “I love ya, honey!” But why? To inspire others with our undying love? Blech.

Everyone knows that most of the shit on Facebook is utter or near-utter bullshit, anyway. If Facebook was an actual book, it would have to be categorized as historical fiction. The stories are inspired by actual events, but they’re far from the truth. People put their best face forward and don’t discuss the bad stuff. Whenever I see some sanctimonious proclamation of love pop up on my screen, I scroll right on past. I’d rather see another cat meme.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t wish your loved ones a happy anniversary, birthday, Valentine’s, Mother’s, Father’s or Sibling’s Day on Facebook, even if you did already say it on the phone, via email, text message, Twitter and/or in person. Do whatever the hell makes you and your significant other happy. If posting something on Facebook about our anniversary made my wife feel special, damn right I’d do it.

Luckily, she thinks it’s stupid, too.

I love that woman.

I better tell her in person. Everyone knows, blogs are also mostly bullshit.




Published inParenting & Humor


  1. You mean everything on Facebook is bullshit? Were will I get my local news now! Anyway, congrats and Happy Anniversary.

    • admin admin

      (Also, not everyone really laughs out loud when they write LOL.) Thanks, dude!

    • admin admin

      Pretty sure I’m just preaching to the choir. Who knows? Maybe I’ll change some hearts and minds with this one.

    • admin admin

      Woot! Woot!

  2. Wait, what? Facebook isn’t all real?! Of course it is!! I have over 500 posts of cropped, filtered, staged photos to prove it.

    • admin admin

      Chery – Brace yourself. I’m about to let you in on Instagram’s dirty little secret…Nah, that might be too much for one day. 😉

      • All banter aside, this is excellent.
        Spot on.

        • admin admin

          Thanks! I was honestly tempted to leave it at “BECAUSE I SAID IT IN FUCKING PERSON” and call it a day. It’s still a short article, but at least it’s not total bullshit clickbait.

  3. Susan P Susan P

    AMEN. Best Post Ever.
    There are a few people I’d like to force to read this. It also includes gushy, smushy prose to your children (who, by the way, are not even ON fb) on their birthdays. I want to ask “Did you happen to mention this great stuff to them in person today?!” but I’d be causing a ruckus, I’m sure. It makes me twitchy.

    • admin admin

      Ha! Share this post on Facebook!!! (Maybe the people who NEED to read it will.)

  4. Dewd. This is hysterical. I swear I’ve said this exact thing.
    Ok, enough of the trolling. I’ll go back to what I was doing, which was really important I promise.

    • admin admin

      Trolling? Fuck. I need more fucking trolls like you. If you’re doing anything even semi-important (or just damn funny) blog-related, let me know. I’m happy to share.

  5. And there I was thinking it was just me. I also get a similar feeling when people wish their toddlers Happy Birthday on Facebook. I would have done too but he’s only 4 and CAN’T READ.

    • admin admin

      Ha! Andy, you are not alone. You are definitely not alone.

  6. Isabella Isabella

    So… not on facebook but on you blog. 😂

    • admin admin

      I never said I wasn’t a complete hypocrite!

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