Sometimes I get annoyed by the little things in life. Maybe that’s an indication that my life is pretty good…just one big holiday. Or maybe my life is a different holiday every day of the year! According to my Facebook Feed, it’s International Dave Day on September 6th. The same month as my birthday. FML, right!? Every year, friends and family try to combine the two days, like “hey Dave, this gift is for your birthday AND Dave Day.” Such. Bullshit.
Just kidding. International Dave Day is bullshit because it is totally fucking stupid. So are all these dumb holidays that one one celebrates. Who’s asking for them? Where the hell do they come from? Does anyone give a shit or mark them on their calendar? Why? Mostly, just why?
Turns out, I’m not the only one with a charmed life and too much time on their hands, asking these questions. A recent episode of the NPR podcast Planet Money explored this very same topic. Thank goodness, because I sure as hell wasn’t going to do any actual research. I was just going to bitch and make snarky comments.
The facts-oriented folks at Planet Money found out that the proliferation of holidays no one celebrates come from a variety of sources. Some of these “commemorative periods” actually went through the arduous Congressional process. I’m just a bill, yes I’m only a bill, trying to commemorate people named Bill. Shit got out of hand with way too many of these damned days and in 1995, the House of Representatives passed a rule that members couldn’t introduce this time-wasting legislation. And every year, to remember that momentous decision, junior senators from all 50 states decorate the halls of Congress with streamers and everyone eats cake! Celebrate the slight curtailment of wasted time and effort at the taxpayers’ expense, come on!!!
Even with the government out of the picture, new holidays are added to the books every year. There is, by the way, an actual book and, surprisingly, it isn’t Facebook. It’s Chase’s Calendar of Events, which bills itself as the “world’s datebook since 1957.” Anyone can submit an entry to Chase’s and make their nonsense official. Some ideas come from various chambers of commerce or crafty PR people looking to put a spotlight on the thing they’re paid to put a spotlight on. Follow the money! But others are invented by sweet little old ladies in Chicago. (That’s the focus of the Planet Money episode, which sought to find out how National Splurge Day originated.)
The little old lady who invented National Splurge Day invented a ton of other holidays too, but, like the 1995 House of Representatives, she decided enough was enough and that shit was getting out of hand. One day, she pulled all of her holidays from Chase’s book. And every year, to remember the occasion, junior senators from all 50 states decorate her house with streamers and everyone eats cake!
If I had the power, I’d erase Dave Day from the calendar. I have plenty of other days and, besides, most Daves are assholes, anyway. And the food holidays? I don’t need a holiday to eat ice cream. I’m am adult, god dammit! I’ll eat ice cream for breakfast. On a Tuesday. IDGAF. (As long as kids don’t see because then they’ll whine and I’ll have to share.) And when you’re a parent, pretty much every day is National Talk Like a Pirate Day (yes, that’s a real thing), either because you’re playing with your kids or you’re threatening them that if they don’t clean their room you’ll make them walk the plank. Argh!
I know, I’m a cranky curmudgeon taking a dump on other people’s fun. Honestly, I usually just scroll past this inane bullshit and barely even see it, let alone grumble about it. Ironically, I think that’s the problem. When every day is a holiday, all the holidays just blur together and get ignored. No day is special. Part of fun of holidays is the anticipation beforehand, even the bitching and complaining about being forced to spend time with your crazy-ass family is part of the event. Who the hell looks forward to, or has nervous jitters about, National Rubber Eraser Day (another totally real thing)?
I’m not here to tell you which days to celebrate. Just that I won’t be celebrating with you. Because International Dave Day, National Step in a Puddle Day, Lumpy Rug Day and Do a Grouch a Favor Day (ALL REAL THINGS!!!) are all complete and utter bullshit. ::End Rant::
Have a nice day!