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The Best Place to Get Your Child’s Ears Pierced

I hadn’t thought about it much, but I just assumed that pretty much every little girl whose ears were not pierced as an infant got them done by some teenager working at Claire’s in the mall. And I guess you could do that, but….why? It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Infection, at least. I mean, I’m sure those super responsible teens making minimum wage and excellent life choices totally give two craps about the job they do.  (It’s not like their parents still need to remind them to wash their hands before dinner.) That gun they use to shoot your darling’s little lobes? It’s probably safe and sterile, way better than a silly old-fashioned needle! Or maybe I’m being sarcastic. Read this informative article from Good Housekeeping to find out!

But if not two stores down from the Kids Food Locker, where? If not from an adolescent who watched an 8 minute instructional video, who? Fear not, good parent! There are other piercing options. Some doctor’s offices offer the service. A better choice than the mall, but, get real, those nerds aren’t experts in the field.

The experts don’t have multiple doctorates, they have multiple piercings. Their shirts are rolled up to reveal a complex and colorful sleeve of ink that tells a life story; sometimes that story involves a Mugwai. They’re not teenagers and they’re definitely not in the medical profession. They’re tattoo artists and professional piercers.

It may sound odd or even irresponsible to bring your innocent little lamb into this den of miscreants and ne’re do wells, but tattoo parlors are the best place to get your child’s ears pierced. Also, quit being so judgy, jerkface. A good tattoo parlor is maintained to exacting standards; cleanliness in paramount. Tattoo artists are well-trained and go through a certification process. The piercing needle they use is safer than a gun because it’s sharper and, unlike the gun, can be sterilized. A tatoo artist’s business is built on his reputation and his repution is his business. In other words, unlike the kid at Claire’s he actually gives a shit. As far as piercings goes, anything goes. Professional piercers have done noses, tongues, nipples and scrotums…oh my! Your kid’s ears are a cake walk by comparison.

Last weekend, I took my daughter to get her ears pierced at Artisanal Tattoo in Somerville, NJ. The place felt like a doctor’s office, but way f*cking cooler. The whole experience was fantastic. As we were walking in, Penny and I joked about the unicorn tattoo I would get…only to find out someone was actually getting a unicorn tattoo at that moment! I’m pretty sure it was a sign. After a couple minutes in the waiting room, flipping through tattoo ideas that I’ll never get but kind of want, the piercer came to get us and bring us to his partitioned office. He explained the process to Penny and took his time making sure the earring placement, marked with a drop of ink, was just right. He held her ear with a surgical-looking tool, slid the needle through, and put in her new earrings. She said it felt like a pinch and was proud of herself, because the old pro told her she was braver than some grown men he’d seen. He had a stack of juice boxes for recovery and gave Penny one. I’d write more about the process, but that was it. Super simple, sterile and professional. And, yeah, pretty f*cking cool.



Published inParenting & Humor


  1. Hater of Swearing Hater of Swearing

    Congratulations. I got mine at Claire’s when I was 3. I don’t know why kids have to get theirs when their really big? Please tell me. My dad said it was because they cry and have a tantrum, but I doubt this is the reason why. Please tell me why!

    • admin admin

      We wanted it to be her choice, not ours.

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